The emotional me

Hello:

I often realized that I’m not like all the others, I already wrote an article about that. But today I wanna write about something in this regard too, but I think which is also related to my past.

 

People often say that I don’t show my feelings a lot and that’s why, they think I wouldn’t feel a lot. Like I have a cold heart. I honestly don’t understand that. I mean, I smile, I giggle and laugh infront of others, I’m just not showing the not so great feelings infront of others so hard. I mean, why should I? They are mine. But in all honesty, it’s sometimes hard to even show these feelings infront of myself. I don’t know why, but I rarely cry about sad things, I just sit and think. I dont’ know why I’m so, maybe it’s because the things that happended in my past. Maybe because I’ve experienced other a lot sadder things and so I can’t really cry about the not so hard ones. Or it’s because other people showed me a few times that they don’t care so much about my sad thoughts. Okay, they may care, but just when they aren’t sad too or when they aren’t in the mood to talk to others about that. For example on my sister’s funeral. I had to sit on the outside on the bank all the guests where sitting. My mom wanted (or needed, as she told me) to sit next to my stepfather and another sister of mine. She wanted to sit next to my mum and her girlfriend and so it went one and the conclusion was that I had to sit on the left. They all hold eachother, but I? One time, my sister friend put a hand on my back, but that was it. And when the funeral was nearly over and the speaker said his last words, he hold everybodys hand and said he was sorry for us. I don’t know if it was just an imagination, but I think, he hold my hand a little longer and looked me in the eyes with this “U’re gonna do it, I believe in u” look. And yes, he is a nearly stranger to me, but it helped a lot. Later on that day I lied in my bad and thought about Evie. When my Mum saw me lying there, she said I shouldn’t become like my sister (so I shouldn’t get depressed) and I should get up. So yes, these were my experiences of my sister’s funeral in regard of showing sad feelings and gaining support. I mean, I’d never blame my mum for that, because she lost her daughter and it’s completely clear that she couldn’t be there for me. But she had and has other daughters too, for example me. 

Another incident that may have caused my hard to cry quality happened when I was around 6. I know, it’s a long time ago (I’m currently 15), but it also had an impact on me. I told a good friend of mine that my stepfather slapped me a little bit with his hand on my leg. I can’t really remember what she answered, but I know, that when she was gone, my mum came to me and screamed at me that I couldn’t spread those lies. I wouldn’t know what I would couse with that if I would tell around that my stepfather would hitting me.

And yes, I know, the number of those incidents isn’t that high, but they also probably caused that. 

But what’s a little bit weird is, that I get extremely emotional during movies and songs. Before writing this article, I watched the film “Midnight sun”, an incredibly sad, but wonderful movie, and after and during that, I cried so hard. I can’t crie when some sad things happen in real life but I can cuz of movies? That’s pretty weird, isn’t it? And as I’ve written, when I listen to songs. U can play a happy song and I’m gonna feel like it’s currently best time of my lif, but when u play a sad one I’m gonna be so emotional and feel every single word. I don’t know what’s going on in myself or why I am that way, but I know, that it’s weird. But I also know, that it’s me and I can’t change.

Oh I nearly forgot, when I read books I get emotional, too. That’s why, I nearly just read happy endings books. And that’s also the reason why I read the happy parts of some books a million times. Because I get happy with the characters, too.

 

And yes, that’s it with today’s article. I really wasn’t planning on writing it, but I just had those feelings after this movie today and because I want u to know me (whyever), I decided writing them down.

I hope u’re doing good and when not, that u’re able to cry and that u have some people around who don’t blame u for being sad or putting themselves first. 

Yours,

Everose

 

Sunday, 14/08/2022

 

Photo:

https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1534413298607-48ba59e8a06d?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1170&q=80 – unsplash.com – Sasha Freemind (16/08!2018) – last access: 25/02/2022