My current struggle

Hello:)

holidays, wohoooooooooooooooooo!!!! That’s how I’m feeling right now, but in the previous week, I felt pretty miserable. I had a struggle. But I stood up. And won. Against this damn pressure to perform. And I’m quite proud about this:):

I think, this was a good introduction in my week.

Let’s explain: I wrote lot’s of test, especially important ones: two class-tests (Latin and Maths – the worst of all) and four tests, one of them in Bio and u know how important this subject is for me. The first one was okay, but when I wrote Maths, I couldn’t think. It just didn’t work. There were a few difficult exercises and I know, normally, I although would have been able to solve them. But every time when I tried to think deeper, there was a blockade that prevented this.

I never experienced that before, but I can definitely say: it was horrible. When I came home, I cried a lot and wondered what the hell is going on with me. I searched in the internet for medical causes of declining ability. There were some, but in no case, I had exactly these symptoms.

In addition, I started an IQ-test, cuz I felt like my IQ dropped by 50. But then, my mom came home and I finally told her all the stuff that is going on in my head. I’m really happy, that I did. Her words were quite clear and it hurt first, but after a while, it helped. A lot.

She said, that it’s cuz of me. She said that no one could perform at 100% when u put so much pressure on urself. If I tell myself that it has to be an A, it won’t be. It’s just like having children: If u wanna get pregnant at a certain moment, it won’t work out. Besides, I’m much too thing. She asked me where my body was supposed to get all the nutrients when I was so thin? And yes, it hurt like hell at first. I wanted to think that it’s something medical so it’s not my fault. But she said, it was. Now, I think it was exactly what I needed.

And it was true, what she said: I told myself that it had to be an A. Yes, it would hvae been really good for me, but this thought made it impossible. Now, I hope it won’t be a C. And about the thin-

stuff:: I didn’t realize that I lost a lot of weight in the previous months. U probably think now: OMG, she can be so lucky, what is her problem? But I looked in the internet how to find out if u are under-weighted, I entered my data and I’m exactly at the border bewteen under-weighted and normal. This scared(s) me as hell, but so, I realized that my mum was true. I also remembered, that I sometimes said I wouldn’t have time to eat and so I didn’t.

But the resolution of this was exactly the opposite of what I wanted…

That’s why, I started to fight even more than before through telling me again and again that it’s no problem if I’lll get B’s on my certificate. I ate even though I didn’t really have the time to and I wasn’t hungry at all. Furthermore, I started with school at 6 pm or one day at 7 pm, not earlier. And it worked out. It wasn’t easy, but it helped and I could think better while the two tests after this.

And yes, that’s how I got out of this. When u don’t have this struggle, u probably think it’s easy, but if u have it, u probably think it’s impossible. But I can prove u: I did it. And when I can win the struggle, u definitely can do it, too!

Yours,

Everose

Saturday, 09/04/2022


Photo

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