My inside at the moment

Hello:)

This blog is a personal blog, so I think it’s time (after around 4 weeks) to write an article about my inside at the moment. Because from the outside, all the things are perfect, but unfortunately not in the inside. 

Please don’t misunderstand me, I am happy. But not always. In school and when I’m around other people I seem to be and I really am, I don’t just pretend to be, but when I’m completely alone, I often cry. Okay, I don’t know if u can call it crying, when ur tears just fall and that’s it. And I really have no idea what this is, but I don’t think I’m able to really cry anymore. I cried way too much in my past life. This may sounds depressive, doesn’t it? That’s not how I’m actually feeling, it’s a bit hard to describe.

Let’s talk about the things that aren’t easy at the moment: my stepfather is such an idiot (especially to me, but even a bit to my mum – so she isn’t that great at the moment and I often have to protect her of him), a close friend of mine has a depression and I have nobody to talk to. 

And I know, these aren’t such bad things and I definitely went through way more, but although, I cry when I’m alone. It’s hard for me to find the reason for it, too. But I thought it’s probably cuz of the things I mentioned before.

I wrote that my stepfather is an idiot. It may sounds weird, but I’m kinda proud that I admitted that. In the past, I always told myself: Come on, he’s just in a bad mood, don’t overdo it. This voice is finally gone. I accepted that he just treats me like trash: shouts at me, pushes me “by mistake”, tells me so often how shitty I am, that I’m a naive, broken and influencable person, that I do all the things wrong, … I mean, it doesn’t hurt anymore, it’s just annoying. But this “now, I can relax and be truly me” – feeling when I come home is gone and I realized, that I always look forward to waking up when I sleep at friends’ houses cuz he won’t be there. 

And I’m so so sorry for that feeling, cuz my mum doesn’t deserve it. She doesn’t deserve her child, for whom she’d do everything, is happy when it’s not at home. She deserves children who just love it to be home. And yes, I really love it to be with her, but not to be at home when he is there. I always do a little dance of joy in my head when he’s away.

Additionally, mum and he just argue and argue and argue. (When they do, I always put my noise-cancellig headphones on and just blank them out. This helps me a lot to process all the thing inside me and especially not to let my inside be influenced by it. -> here are the songs that often help me) On the other hand, he wanna have sex with my mum nearly every night, but she told me that just the imagination of that is ugly for her. So I have nightmares, headache or whatever nearly always. For this reason, my mum “has to” sleep with me. And although it works, it’s not easy. I don’t know, if u can understand that, but yes, that’s me and in a personal blog, I wanna and have to be me.

And my close friend … . She just gets a depression and it isn’t easy to always be there for her, speak to her on the phone even at 9 pm when she isn’t great. I mean, I’m “happy” to do that for her, but it takes lots of strength. In addition, my sister died when I was 12 through suicide cuz she was hardly depressed and I often think about her when I try to help my friend. Sometimes, I “don’t recognize” her messages and tell her that in school next day. I know, it isn’t great, but I have to protect myself, too. Cuz in the beginning, I was always there for her and I became exhausted, too. And this “not recognizing” helps me and I can seperate her worries from life a bit better. Of course, I often think of her, but I can live my life, too.

These are things spinning around my head right now besides lots of Olympiads, tests, class tests and some weird feelings nearly every teenager has. And it’s hard to have noboby to really talk to. But u are helping, cuz writing this article feels a bit like talking about it and that makes it easier for me. I always have been that person who doesn’t share everything with others and it’s okay, but although, it’s better that way. Thanks!

I don’t really think that any of my words about my inside are actually interesting for the most of u, but if there is one person who has similar worries and this helps u to fell understood, then it’s all worth it. And even when not, I enjoy writing and talking about this helps me, too. All in all, I just wanna show u, that nobody has a perfect life.

 

I don’t mean this like “don’t push ur worries bigger then they actually are, everybody has sth hard to live with”, I mean it more like “please don’t think all persons are fine, their lifes are perfect, u’re the only one who has problems, and ur completely alone – they just hide it.”

Hope, u enjoyed reading.

Yours,

Everose

Friday, 18/03/2022

Photos:

article preview: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1557660033-fe1be9b22b62?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1170&q=80 – unsplash.com – Clément Falize (12/05/2019) –  last access: 18/03/2022

crying woman: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1595404841770-6b57d7e29203?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=687&q=80 – unsplash.com – Javier Martinez (22/07/2020) – last access: 23/04/2022

woman with headphones: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1585236873828-5725311e7c06?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=687&q=80 – unsplash.com – charlesdeluvio (26/03/2020) –    last access: 23/04/2022

thank u: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1602036610820-7d9e92f17a78?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=687&q=80 – unsplash.com – Daniel Andrade (07/10/2020) – last access: 23/04/2022