I'm older than I am


Okay, the title probably doesn’t make any sense to u. And I understand that, I wouldn’t understand it either. But when u’ve read my article, u’ll probably understand why I chose this one. 

When people see me, they are always thinking I’m older, from 18 onwards. And I am 15. I mean, yes it’s just three years more, but in my age, it’s a big difference. I was always wondering why I’m looking that way. Btut today, when my Mum and I were buying books, I realized that it’s maybe because I actually are older, mentally. Let me explain this to u:

First of all, why am I thinking that?

As I wrote, I realized it today in this bookshop. In more detail, after I’ve read through the blurbs of the Young Adult – books. I didn’t need a lot of time to know that I don’t like this type of books anymore. Cuz in this books, all they are mostly talking about is the love story. And yes, if the characters have some other ambitionis in life they’re just described marginally and they achieve them so easily it’s unrealistic. I don’t think there is something bad with love stories. I love them, but there is something other in life too, isn’t it? 

And I can’t hear that “He’s exactly this type of man she wanted to avoid. But although, none of them can deny this chemistry between them” anymore.  Additionally, u know exactly what’s going to happen and the stories are often so primitive to me. I mean, I don’t wanna push YA – books down, I loved them once (from the age of 11 to 14 – a little bit before the typical YA readers age range), too, but I really can’t read them anymore. 

But what do I read instead? Books I’ve bought today are: The seven husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Tailor Jenkins Reid; Becoming by Michelle Obama, All your perfects by Colleen Hoover, other novels like those, three medical books and my first book in Chinese. Nearly noone else is reading such books in my age. I mean, I don’t care, if others don’t do or do that, but u start wondering about that, believe me.

But outside from that, I realized there are a few more things. For example my hobbies, the things I do in my freetime: I care about my chickens, our dog, our fish, I write this blog, I engage a lot voluntary, I search for universities, I take extra lessons in bio. I’m doing an only pre-med course, I’m learning Chinese, I practice typing with 10 fingers and a few other things. And I don’t know another person in my age who does this kinda things, too. They mostly go swimming, go to the music school, play volleyball or such things. 

Another thing: the movies I like. I once tried to watch movies like Ginny and Georgia, like The Vampire Diaries or like Twilight. U know, movies everyone is watching in my age. But I can’t. I just can’t. Instead, I’m watching medical series, historical ones or series like Handmaid’s Tale. And now, the same thing: I don’t know another person in my age who is doing that.

And the last thing I’ll mention: I think it was around two or three months ago, when we had the topic strenghts and weaknesses in an English lesson in school. As a task, we had to get together in groups of four and then write down 4 strenghts everyone has and one strength of each person just she (we were a group of 4 girls) has. U know, what they came up in my case? Wise. They honestly wrote down wise. And I was like: What the hell? I’m definetely not wise. I mean I’d like to be, cuz then I’d mostly make the correct decisions, but wise people are much older than I am.

 And no, I am not wise. But now, I’m thinking: Yes, I’m probably not really wise, but maybe wiser than the other girls in my group, cuz I’m a little bit older than I am.

So, do u understand now, what I was trying to say?

I don’t really know how I feel about the fact that I’m older. The things that u realize at first are mostly the not so good ones (unfortunately). One not so good thing is that u’re always different. U’re always not like “the others”, not “normal”. For example, when they are talking about a series like TVD or a YA book or some beauty products, I’m just sitting there and can’t say something about that. I can’t joke about a scene in the series, tell how bad I’m feeling about one person in the book or talk about my experiences with that new mascara. I’m always … different. I am a really lucky person, cuz I found friends in my class, good ones, who accept and probably even like me as I am and we talk about differnet topics. 

But in general, this fact, that I’m not like them, that I act a little bit older, is sometimes not easy. 

Another not so good thing, or more detailed annoying thing, is what people always say.  I know, u shouldn’t care and I mostly don’t, but although it’s exhausting when u always hear things like: Why don’t u go partying like all the others in ur age? U don’t enjoy ur youth, go out. Why do u care about uni now, it’s still years left. This isn’t a life what u are living.

In all honesty, they should just shut up!! I am enjoying my life, my youth, but in a way I like it. I am happy with my life and if u’re not, u know what?, I don’t care. Arghhhh! Just annoying.

But now about the good sides: Okay, I don’t know if there are like good sides, but, I mean, I have my goals, my ambitions for life. And cuz I care about that, I can work towards them now and maybe I’ll have better chances then when it’s actually time for. But yes, I can’t think of something other right now. 

And the big questions I was wondering about lots of times: Why am I that way? I think, it’s cause of the things I went through. But when I write this, I always feel like guilty towards the ones who actually had to go through something really bad, like sexual abuse. And I (luckily!!) didn’t experience that. 

But I’d say, that I probably went through more than the most of my class: I lost my sister after she fought one year against her manic depressioon through suicide. Three months later, I had to go to court cuz my father couldn’t accept that I didn’t want to be with him anymore due to the things that happened at his home. So, he wanted to force me to do so by sueing for my custody. One week later, my best friend died. Because of my sister’s death, my mom had a depression for half a year.

In addition, I was … , I wouldn’t say bullied, but I was the underdog at school for one year. (Then, I changed the school.) And my stepfather probably thinks that shouting and treating my like trash is the best way to interact with me. I don’t know, if these things caused the fact that I am looking and acting older, but that’s the only way I can explain that. Or maybe it’ just me, my nature. I have no idea. But finally accepted that and I’m now happy that I am as I am, but I didn’t achieve that overnight. I had to fight a lot and this one year when I was the underdog at school, it took a lot of tears. But yes, I won. And, to be honest, I’m pretty proud:)





Thursday, 18/08/2022



book with folded heart: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1638277528398-e8aeb4a1dab1?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1170&q=80 – unsplash.com – Theo Crazzolara Sasha Freemind (30/011/2021) – last access: 18/08/2022

book and human heart: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1530026186672-2cd00ffc50fe?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1170&q=80 – unsplash.com – Robina Weermeijer (26/06/2018) – last access: 18/08/2022

building: https://images.unsplash.com/20/cambridge.JPG?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1147&q=80 – unsplash.com – Vadin Sherbakov (14/12/2013) – last access: 18/08/2022

woman’s face: https://images.unsplash.com/flagged/photo-1570084787226-c77bdc6a1705?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1170&q=80 – unsplash.com – Philippe Leone (03/10/2019) – last access: 18/08/2022

flowers: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1569439683671-fdbd468ee462?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=687&q=80 – unsplash.com – Christophe Maertens (25/09/2019) – last access: 18/08/2022

woman wearing blue dress: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1526402760671-22dfd1c9311f?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=687&q=80 – unsplach.com – Munga Thigani (25/05/2018) – last access: 18/08/2022

silhouette: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1515191107209-c28698631303?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=764&q=80 – unsplash.com – Miguel Bruno (05/01/2018) – last access: 18/08/2022