Life-update #1

sexuality, school, chickens, family

Hey:)

I just saw that there are around 90 people who visit my website every day – thank you for that! To be honest, I expected around 1, so it was a huge surprise which made my day:). Not much later after reading that, I came up with the idea of writing a life-update regulary (like every two weeks) – with everything that goes on in my life currently, like family, school, extracurriculars, dreams, … . What do you think of it

So yes, let’s start:

The first point I’d like to write about is my sexuality. U have to know, I am 15 years old and in December, I will turn 16. And in this age, it’s normal to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend or at least to have a crush. But I? I’m not in love and I’ve never been before, although I think a lot about love and about my sexuality. I came up with thinking about that one morning in the bus. I looked around and noticed that I didn’t really care about male persons around me. Instead, when I saw a female one, feelings about huge respect, about appreciating her for going though life and also about admitting how beautiful she is crossed me. When I’d imagine kissing or doing something more intimate with males, I often thought “Hell, no!” – not like with females. 

I also enjoy reading books about strong women more than books with a male main character. 

When I realized all these things, the word homosexuality popped up in my head and especially the question whether being lesbian or not.  I mean, is it “normal” for a heterosexual girl / Woman to search for books and movies about lesbians (since the age of 12!) or to think after seeing a picture of Beyoncé for the first time about choosing it as the photo for the home screen of your mobile phone? I don’t really think that. 

But on the other hand, when I speak to males in my age, I often have this weird unsecure feeling – but maybe the reason for that is just not wanting to send false signals? I have absolutely no idea. And I have to admit that I’d like to be heterosexual more than to be homosexual. I don’t really know the reason for that, because, when I see homosexual couples, I am happy with them and I respect them as much (if even more) than heterosexual ones. Both of my alive sisters are lesbian, for example. Now u probably think – what’s your problem then? You most likely won’t have any problems in your family with your maybe homosexuality. 

But the issue is – precisely because of that, my mom always says: We just have daughters-in-law. But with you, we’ll definitely get a son-in-law. I don’t think that it’s her intention to make it hard for me, but it although doesn’t make it easier for me. U know what I mean?

 

U have to know, this talking about love and stuff is really untypical for me – but currently, these question are crossing my mind pretty often.

School is kinda good right now. Last week was really stressful due to our teachers who thought eight tests a week would be a good idea. But the good side of such weeks is, that in the following week, there aren’t many subjects left for writing tests – that’s why, next week, there will be just one test. One!! Sounds like heaven, doesn’t it? 

As you know, I actually started this blog because I wanted to write about my pressure to perform. 

So I think it’s a good idea to include this in my life-updates: I have to say, I get along pretty well with it currently. In the previous weeks, I never had this feeling of collapsing under it. Even if there was a test coming up this day, I was able to read in the train, to relax and to laugh along with my friends – most of the times even without bellyache. I think, one thing that improves it a lot is that I’m now in 10th grade and the grades honestly don’t matter at all for me. I mean, I definitely wanna attend school for 12 years, so even the big exams in grade 10 really don’t matter.

One of my chickens died yesterday. Her name is Gisela. She was a wonderful chicken, the tamest chicken of all and always cared about the others. I have no idea why she died, but she never moulted and her comb always hung down – maybe she had a lifelong illness, I don’t know. But what I know is that I miss her. A lot. I also cried a few times yesterday and today. And I prayed for her, even though I’m not really religious. But I’m pretty sure that there is something bigger than us, I just have no idea, what it should be. 

If I’m right and there is something existent, then please, whatever or whoever you are, let her have the best life she is able to have wherever she is now. Let her run through the grass, let her pick thousands of earthworms a day and never seeds again (she never really liked them), let there be a person with whom she can cuddle and stand on there feet and let her catch mosquitoes and bring her mealworms. – Let her live the life she deserves.

And the last point from today’s list is family. I don’t think I told u this, but my stepfather was one week in a “neighbour country” where my brother is living and helped with the farm, because my brother had an accident. From this, u can easily conclude that he wasn’t at home for a week. And this week was simply … wonderful. Perfect. This week flew by way to fast and now, he is here again. He screams at me, again, I have to protect my mum, again, I’m forced to swallow so much, again… Luckily, I got used to it again. Even though I wish this week never had been over.

So yes, this was my life-update. If there is a topic I want to speak about a little bit more in detail (and I’m completely aware of my feelings), I will write an extra article.

Thanks for reading. I wish you the best.

Yours,

Everose

Sunday, 02/10/2022

Photos:

heart: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1535615615570-3b839f4359be?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=687&q=80 – unsplash.com – Fadi Xd (30/08/2018) – last access: 02/10/2022

rainbow flag: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1623015160728-e8241106e53c?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1331&q=80 – unsplash.com – Dustin Humes (06/06/2021) – last access: 02/10/2022

person writing: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1434030216411-0b793f4b4173?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1170&q=80 – unsplash.com – Green Chameleon (11/06/2015) – last access: 02/10/2022

hen: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1587976332106-fdcb966fb732?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1170&q=80 – unsplash.com – Tina Xinia (27/04/2020) – last access: 02/10/2022

woman: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1486663845017-3eedaa78617f?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1974&q=80 – unsplash.com – averie woodard (09/02/2017) – last access: 02/10/2022