About depression

Hello

In my opinion, depression is the most terrible illness the world has ever seen. And yes, u can tell me thousands of stories of wonderful people who died cuz of cancer or some kinda heart attack. But I have also stories to tell.

The first one is about my sister. The one this blog is dedicated to. She was a wonderful person. A caring one (even though she didn’t always show it). A funny one. A clever one. And especially a strong one. 

The picture I always have in mind when I think of her is her laughing around, it’s her making photos of nearly every moment and it’s her going confidently to strangers and talking to them. And yes, it’s also her looking at her phone and being nearly everywhere but next to u even though u share the coach with her. She loved being looked at by everyone and what she also loved was planning city trips. One of the most detailed memories I have of her is when I asked her if she could blow some soap bubbles for me and my friend. And she did it, of course, but before every bubble, we had to calculate sth. Not a hard task, but we had to do it.

But the other side of her being was, that she had high expectations of herself and that she didn’t just like being the centre of attention, she needed it. But when she started going to uni, she was just a number. Not a person, not her, Evie, who was loved by nearly everyone, who had this bonus of every teacher. And she couldn’t withstand it. I think, that’s also the reason she started taking drugs. She wasn’t abusive, but she did it everyonce in a while. But when she was on holidays in Bali, she took too much. She was high for 24 hours. And I think, this was too much for her brain and for her mental health. 

Because since that incident, her “good and not so good times” became more intense. Every month a little bit more. Until the January of 2018, when she was really bad. It was her first “real” depressed part. She didn’t laugh and dance anymore. Instead, she stared at the wall, cried and chewed so much at her nails and fingers, that this white string didn’t exist anymore, that her finger cups were always full of blood. She lived in psychatrical hospitals or with us at home. 

But then, nearly suddenly, the look in her eyes changed. She looked “normal”, again. And hopeful, because she could feel that she is getting better somehow. And for 2 weeks straight, she was the old Evie again. There is also one video where u can see her dancing with anonther sister of mine because they were both so entirely happy that it’s over. But after these 2 week, she got even better. U’re probably thinking now, it’s a good thing, isn’t it? Why do u write “but”? The reason is, that she got too good. In detail, she got manic. She slept around 3 hours a night, simply because she didn’t need more. She was so full of energy, joy of life and ideas. So much of them. Really good ones.

But because she was so good, she wasn’t really sensitive for the maybe not so great feelings of others. And this made them think that she’d be egoistic, that she would just look at herself and wouldn’t care for others. They became really mean and screamed at her so badly. She also cried a few times beacause of this, but most of the times, she didn’t let these feeling getting inside of her. 

Until her next depression time after around 4 months. This time was even worse than the first time. It became so bad, that she decided to threw herself infront of a train on the 31st December 2018.

And yes, that’s the end of her life. Her entire life. She’ll never have the opportunity to laugh again, to be happy again or to just take a shut of a butterfly sitting on a flower. Just because of this illness.

Another story I wanna tell u is about my former physics teacher. But I have to admit, that I don`t know his real story. I just know a little bit. But that’s enough for me to know that he was a wonderful person, of course with some flaws, but I think, everyone has them, doesn’t he? So let me tell u everything I know about him:

He was my physics teacher for about a year. And this was the first and probably only year of having physics in school and feeling like understanding at least a little bit. And that means a lot, because I have honestly no clue of it. The reason is that he was so passionate about it. In the first lesson about magnetism, he brought some little figures out of wood with some magnets on them and let them kiss eachother cuz of the force. He showed us the funny part about physics. And he did it so well in his entire career as a teacher, that he gained a teacher award for this three years ago. 

But the other side of this award was, that because of that, everybody had these huge, nearly impossible expectations of him. And I’m no gonna lie, including myself. I didn’t know him that much, but I can imagine that this made his depression he nearly had his entire life even worse and made it so horrible, that he threw himself infront of a train, too. 

As I told once, I need 3 hours per day for my way from home and back. But I am not the only one from my school who has(d) the same way, because he was from a village next to mine. That’s why, we always drove together. I mean, we never really talked, but it was a great feeling to know that there was another person who managed it, to o. And who managed it awesome. (At least that was that, what I thought.)

He always worked in the train and I thought everytime: My god, how much he has to love his job and how much passion he must have for it. But now I think, that it was probably the only time wherer could actually bring himself to doing something. In addition, I realize a lot of things now: why he didn’t seem happy when he did what he (used to) love(d), that he reason for one year of him staying at home and away from school was probalby not the fact that he had problems with his knee rather than he took a break cuz of his depression and lots of other things. When u know, what these people have, u often see things different. But then, it’s mostly to late. So please u out there, be always careful with the things u say because u don’t know if these people are currently fighting against something that huge, that it seems impossible to beat it.

And now, the last story I have to tell. This one is about the daughter of my mum’s best friend. I started writing this article on the day we were informed that she killed herself, too. But it took my a long time to finish it because I was too shocked and I just couldn’t believe it. (That’s also the reason I didn’t publish a new article for so long.) Now I can, but it doesn’t make it easier. She was as young as my sister was, that means aroung 30. She fought against her illness for 12 years. Twelve fucking years. Since she was 18. And she also had a manic depression, which made it even worse. She poisoned herself through eating this poison. I won’t tell u exactly how she did it, but I can tell u that after doing that, she ran to the pharmacy and told them what she did and she doesn’t wanna die. But it was too late, cuz in that moment, she became unconscious. For ever.

I know less about her than I know about my physics teacher, but I think it’s clear, that, if she managed 12 years, she was so incredibly strong and had such a huge will to live in her. But the depression ruined her entire life, which otherwise could have been so wonderful. 

I don’t really know what I wanna tell u with this article. I guess I just wanna tell somebody and make u be a little bit more sensitive when u see some persons looking sad or too good and don’t judge them before knowing their entire story. 

S0, this was my article about depression. It’s for all of them who suffer from it. I can’t promise u that it will be better again, but I can promise, that at least I won’t judge u for things u do or don’t do cuz of the illness. I’ll always see the other part of u, too.

And by the way: Happy birthday, Evie. I love u, always have and always will. Never forget that. Please.

 

Yours,

Everose

 

Monday, 08/08/2022

 

Photos:

photographer: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1495745966610-2a67f2297e5e?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=687&q=80 – unsplash.com – Nicolas Ladino Silva (25/05/2022) – last access: 09/08/2022

drugs: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1558010089-ff6fd29ea39a?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1025&q=80 – unsplash.com – GRAS GRÜN (16/05/2019) – last access: 09/08/2022

happy woman: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1542596594-649edbc13630?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=687&q=80 – unsplash.com – Brooke Cagle (19/11/2018) – last access: 09/08/2022

dark leaves: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1550055280-766ba3e748b6?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=736&q=80 – unsplash.com – Annie Spratt (13/02/2019) – last access: 09/08/2022

magnets: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1597423498219-04418210827d?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=1074&q=80 – unsplach.com – Dan Cristian Paduret (14/08/2020) – last access: 09/08/2022

dark empty road: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1543518360-68b9612a7c8c?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=687&q=80 – unsplash.com – Lasse Moller (29/11/2018) – last access: 09/08/2022

erlenmeyer flask: https://images.unsplash.com/photo-1616255234550-fc041b293e29?ixlib=rb-1.2.1&ixid=MnwxMjA3fDB8MHxwaG90by1wYWdlfHx8fGVufDB8fHx8&auto=format&fit=crop&w=686&q=80 – unsplash.com – Girl with red hat (20/03/2021) – last access: 09/08/2022